Sunday, 31 July, 2011 11:27
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Archive for July, 2011
Ten Tummy Tightening Tricks Rolled Into One
Was That Redundant
Saturday, 30 July, 2011 11:42
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Yesterday, somebody told me a joke I heard about 20 years
ago. It was first told by the great comedian, Alan King, who
I think died about 7 years back, if memory serves.
King said, "My definition of redundancy is air bags in a
politician’s car."
It reminds me of an old MIlton Berle line, "You can lead a
man to Congress, but you can’t make him think." I think
Uncle Miltie left us about 9 years ago.
Then there was an email from a customer, after I sent out
a column on why you shouldn’t drink soda. She said, "I
stopped drinking Coke when my housecleaner said that
it was the best thing ever to remove toilet stains."
Did you know that the moon weighs 81 billion tons?
My question is: Who built that scale and how high did it
go?
Here’s one that cost me $20. The question is: What
was invented first: the airplane, or the parachute?
The answer is the parachute, invented 120 years
before the airplane. The original purpose of the parachute
was to be able to jump off burning buildings.
Can’t you just hear Johnny Carson saying to Ed McMahon,
"I did not know that."
A New York Times reporter, traveling in Afghanistan, was
surprised to see a woman still walking 5 paces behind her
husband. She rushed over to the woman and asked, "Why,
after so many social changes, she was still walking a
distance behind her husband. The Afghani woman answered,
"Land mines."
Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come there are
so many dead rabbits on the highway?
The first testicular guard "cup" was used in hockey, in
1874, and the first helmut was used in 1974. It took 100
years for men to realize that the brain is also important.
ago. It was first told by the great comedian, Alan King, who
I think died about 7 years back, if memory serves.
King said, "My definition of redundancy is air bags in a
politician’s car."
It reminds me of an old MIlton Berle line, "You can lead a
man to Congress, but you can’t make him think." I think
Uncle Miltie left us about 9 years ago.
Then there was an email from a customer, after I sent out
a column on why you shouldn’t drink soda. She said, "I
stopped drinking Coke when my housecleaner said that
it was the best thing ever to remove toilet stains."
Did you know that the moon weighs 81 billion tons?
My question is: Who built that scale and how high did it
go?
Here’s one that cost me $20. The question is: What
was invented first: the airplane, or the parachute?
The answer is the parachute, invented 120 years
before the airplane. The original purpose of the parachute
was to be able to jump off burning buildings.
Can’t you just hear Johnny Carson saying to Ed McMahon,
"I did not know that."
A New York Times reporter, traveling in Afghanistan, was
surprised to see a woman still walking 5 paces behind her
husband. She rushed over to the woman and asked, "Why,
after so many social changes, she was still walking a
distance behind her husband. The Afghani woman answered,
"Land mines."
Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come there are
so many dead rabbits on the highway?
The first testicular guard "cup" was used in hockey, in
1874, and the first helmut was used in 1974. It took 100
years for men to realize that the brain is also important.
Favorite Formulas
816 Turtle River Court
Plant City, FL 33567
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Three Cheers For Walmart
Friday, 29 July, 2011 08:42
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My wife hollered for me to come see what was on
the news this morning. before I’d even had a chance
to get my bearings. I thought this had to be another
natural disaster, like a big earthquake, or tsunami, but
as it turns out, it was a story about Walmart kicking a
woman in a string bikini out of their store in Eugene,
Oregon.
Now, I thought when I heard the words "string bikini,"
that this might be a publicity stunt, with a smokin’
young hottie, put on by a local DJ, trying to make a
name for himself. But nothing could have been further
from the truth.
We have all heard the phrase, "a sight for sore eyes."
Well…this was a sight where you might have been
better off blind. And calling this woman, "a woman,"
was really stretching it, although it is probably scientifically
correct.
There she was, in all her unfettered glory, with a
shaved head, studs, tattoos covering what the string
bikini did not, with cut off shorts, made out of old red
sweat pants, and a big black cast on one leg. She
would have finished "in the money" at an ugly contest.
Walmart employees told her to put on a shirt, or take
her leave. She then started a media circus, claiming
that her rights had been violated. By now the incident
has surely gone viral.
I say, three cheers for Walmart! Hip! Hip! Hooray! and
all that. As far as I’m concerned, they should have
planted a size 13 work boot right in the middle of her
ample posterior. I wouldn’t punch air holes in the top
of a pickle jar, if she were stuck inside.
A little twist on the Golden Rule is in order here.
"If you act like a jackass…we’ll be sure and treat you
like one."
But right now, I’m sure there is a trial lawyer who is
more than ready to spring into action to protect the
rights of Little Miss Dubbly Uggly. Tomorrow morning
will surely bring Gloria Allred in front of the lights
and cameras, casting Walmart as a giant oppressor,
for tossing an idiot out of one of its stores.
It’s obviously a case of not having enough omega-3′s.
Which is a real shame, when you leave that close to
the Pacific Ocean. But, if you can’t get it in Eugene,
you can always order it here:
I’ll be back tomorrow with more.
With my best wishes for your optimum health,
Dr. Bill
Favorite Formulas
816 Turtle River Court
Plant City, FL 33567
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Would You Dump Her If She Got Too Fat
Thursday, 28 July, 2011 09:44
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Just sose u nose, the question wasn’t my idea. I’ve
been married for decades and I was the fattest one. I
saw this question posted on an internet news site
this morning, as I nibbled on some fresh cherries and
drank some green tea. Not wanting to get my better half in
a tizzy, I kept this question to myself, knowing that
I would have to write about it later.
Men have debated this question, among themselves,
ever since I can remember. I can clearly remember
this discussion on the playground in Brooklyn, when
I was almost a teenager. In those days, the vote was
always 100% yes. No fellow traveler wanted anything
to do with a fat girl.
The feeling remained almost exactly the same in
high school and then college. Then, everybody
started getting married, settling down, having children
and climbing the career ladder. At the same time all
that was happening, people’s bodies started to change.
Former cheerleaders and prom queens turned into
plus size models and the guys who had sixpacks
started toting kegs, while their hair fell out.
It wasn’t unusual to hear stories of guys who did
actually dump their wives, or girlfriends, because
they didn’t look like they did when they were sixteen.
I knew a fellow doctor who told me, straight out, that
he was leaving his wife, because she weighed 300
pounds.
What does all this mean?
For starters, it means we place a great deal of
attention on how we look. Secondly, we aren’t
very sympathetic to those who have become
Lardassians, over time. Third…as I wrote yesterday,
liberals want to tax fat people. (They’ll reject this
approach, as soon as they find out that the majority
of fat people are liberals.)
I think that in a relationship, it takes two people to
get fat. Even if the second party isn’t fat, they are
most often an enabler. They may not be shoving
too much grub down their own pie hole, but they are
often making it far too easy for their partner to do so.
Here’s an example. I know many couples where the
husband is a bit hefty. I’ve been out with such a group,
many times. Everybody orders food, the wife only eats
a bit and then offers the rest of her plate to her husband,
who only too happily finishes off the rest of the steak,
potatoes, pizza, pasta…ring the bell, if you had this happen
to you.
The solution isn’t to dump your partner…it’s to get fit
together. If you have a family, the same rule applies.
I can clue you in on how to get this done:
I’ll be back tomorrow with more.
With my best wishes for your optimum health,
Dr. Bill
Favorite Formulas
816 Turtle River Court
Plant City, FL 33567
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New York Times Food Writer Wants To Tax Your Diet
Wednesday, 27 July, 2011 08:56
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This morning, while perusing a news site, I came upon
an article by Mark Bittman, a food writer for the New York
Times. In the interest of full disclosure, I have three of
his cookbooks. They aren’t in my Top Ten, but they are
what I would call serviceable.
Bittman has also been on television a lot and had a show
on the Food Network, where he traveled all over and cooked
with any number of celebrated chefs. There are two episodes
I remember pretty clearly. The first was with Mario Batali
and the episode was filmed in Tuscany. Batali took Bittman
to the local butcher, where they picked up four giant
Porterhouse steaks, which they were to grill over a large,
open fire. Batali took two of the steaks and Bittman did
the same. Batali seasoned his steaks with sea salt and
put them on to grill. Bittman used all kinds of stuff to season
his steaks and then said he had to make a super special
sauce, to go with his steaks.
"Sauce?" said Batali, who was quite amused. "You’re going
to put sauce on some of the finest beef in the world?"
"Yes," said Bittman, "It raises the flavor of the meat
tremendously."
Batali rolled his eyes.
They watched the meat grill and turned it. I should say that
Batali turned the meat once and Bittman fiddled with his
every 30 seconds or so. Batali smiled as Bittman fiddled.
Then Bittman started on "the sauce," which turned out to
be equal parts of butter and soy sauce. This really got
Batali rolling. "Why?" he said to Bittman, "would you put
butter and soy on this meat?"
Bittman insisted that it would improve the meat. Batali
took his meat off the grill. Bittman continued cooking his.
Bittman then had Batali taste his "sauce." Batali took some
on a spoon and said, "Hmm."
In another episode, Bittman tried to tell Daniel Boulud
(one of the Top Ten chefs in the world), how to cook a
pork loin. The look on Boulud’s face was priceless, as
Bittman fumbled around, trying to help. What Bittman
was trying to do was rank amateurism and finally,
Boulud just took over.
Lately, Bittman has become more and more Krugmanesque
(after his colleague, Paul (the Marxist) Krugman, who shoots
arrows of vitriol and hate, on a daily basis).
Bittman’s latest salvo is to have the government decide
what is healthy and tax everything that isn’t. The government
would do this as an agent of "the public good."
He goes on: "Public Health is the role of the government and
our diet is right up there, with any other public responsibility you
can name, from water treatment to mass transit."
I guess we’ll just have to raise taxes, after all.
We’ll obviously need another agency and czar, with plenty of
secret agents to police your diet.
Let’s sic them on Obama first, taking away his burgers, fries,
Coke and milkshakes. Then, we can close Georgia Browns’
in Washington, where Michelle and her tribe get down on ribs,
fried chicken, mac and cheese and peach cobbler.
Then, we start on federal employees, where some of the
world’s biggest Lardassians work.
Then, we hit the New York Times, along with every health agency
in the country. We ferret out everybody who isn’t healthy,
starting with R.W. "Johnny" Apple, one of the fattest guys
ever to roll down the street in Washington. Bittman’s
predecessor at the Times, Frank Bruni, was another fat
bastard.
Then, we could have an old fashioned book burning in
front of the Times headquarters. Bring all your Mark Bittman
books and watch them go up in flames.
Someday, long after we’re gone, somebody in the liberal
camp will realize that the government doesn’t do anything
well. In the meantime, stop buying Bittman’s books.
Shaping up is a personal decision. Let’s keep it that way.
I think I’m going to write a song…the title would be…
"Gettin’ Healthy On Government Cheese." Or maybe
a book, "101 Ways To Use Government Cheese."
1) Stuff 5 pound loaf in Bittman’s pie hole.
I’ll be back tomorrow with more.
With my best wishes for your optimum health,
Dr. Bill
Favorite Formulas
816 Turtle River Court
Plant City, FL 33567
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